sigh. i dread this feeling. i want to get it off me! maybe i should indulge in a good, warm bath...maybe....not sure if it'll do any good. maybe a shower then. a good, warm, quick shower...and then maybe some iPlayer. some reading. then off to bed...if i can sleep properly, that is. sigh...dread, dread, dread this feeling!!

LOLlies :p

hope all is well with everyone

xoxo

dear you,

it might not seem like it but i do hope you are okay. i might have not thought about it much but it's been in the back of my mind. lots of possibilities could be happening to you right now and all of them are what i don't want happening at all. it worries me sh*t. it worries us all. how are you doing for sure, i don't know. just when i thought life is going alright with bits and bops of errors - this comes up onto the surface to prove that life is more than that right now. and i want to do something about it. but what's holding me back? fear. and maybe time. but mostly fear. what will i see? what should i prepare myself for when i do see you? nowadays, i hardly have a heart-to-heart talk with anyone (which is sad...which is another story), i dunno what it'd be like with you. i just wish sometimes, with the snap of my fingers, all problems could be dissolved. i just wish things can be alright right away. but yes, i know, that won't be the case. i just hope you're okay. these things don't happen to you. they shouldn't be. as they wouldn't be with me. i wish that for you, too. so much. i'd like to be angry with you for having made those stupid decisions you've chosen. i'd like to shout at you. i'd like to drag you out of the hole you're in. but i can't. i can't when i don't even know where you are...........

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dear you,

sometimes i wish you would just support me at the spot, rather than asking too many questions. i'm in a place where i'm feeling so lost and there you are, trying to reason with me when it's not possible 'cause it's just not. just say yes and i'll do what you want me to do, instead go on saying a number of reasons of why you're disagreeing with me. we've gone over this. and you know what i'm going through. i've told you. a thousand, million times. i'd go and do it right now and hope that you'll come with without question. but i'm getting no support. and i'm getting no boost. you are the only person here right now that has that kind of effect on me. the kind that inspires me, influences me. so i fecking need you to be there for me. for what i'm set out to do. for what my principles are. if you can't do that, how are we to set out together in the future...............

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dear God,

i pray that everything will be fine. please keep all my loved ones safe and sound always. i pray that You continue to guide me. I need You more than ever. In Your name, I pray, Amen.

xoxo

wearing gloves in my room now. so cold! on the 25th, daylight savings will start. time will be set back one hour, so reset your clocks, people :)

i've always felt the feeling of being alone even though surrounded by a lot of people. it's so depressing, i know. and to have the internet to communicate with my family back home...to rely on the internet itself...just so I won't feel too alone is so sad! grrrr! i mean, yes, i have people i talk to here and things. but it's different. maybe it's just me. i feel so damn lost in all of this. people say u need to open up and talk things through but seriously, it is never that easy. geez. i mean, i can write all of my sorrows and what-nots now but i can never truly say it in verbal words. i can never really say them 'cause i don't know who i can say them to. sucks, innit? mmmm. so many things i could blame this feeling for but i don't think i should 'cause i made the decision to do so myself. God help meeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

emo! think i've been watching hollyoaks too much lately.

sigh. what if yeah...what if i just said it's time to stop. right there and then. boy oh boy i wonder how things would become. better? worse? same? but i know i'll find the answer to this stupid feeling, whatever it is.

thinking too much!!!

haha :)

this cold is madness. im gonna stop for now and maybe play WoW. the virtual world is easier than real life. sighness~

xoxo

finally, some proper time to post an update :-)

it's been windy and grey almost all week. it was quite sunny early in the morning but very, very cold. 9 degrees at one point, I believe. Leaves are falling and it's getting darker early now. Autumn has finally crept up on our beautiful summer. But something about in the cold I like is hot drinks. A hot cup of coffee or tea is just brilliant. In fact, I had one the other day at the baguette shop with Matt for brunch. It was niiiiiiiiice.

Second week of Autumn term has now past and just about 3 more weeks till reading week. Hehehehe. Don't know what to do on that week (yes, I know it's called "reading week" for a reason =D). I wanna do some autumn shopping but will see!

Oh, it's raining....

Got up at 7am today for a 9am lecture. I'm glad Uni ended at 11am for me. It's a Friday! Whee~

My housemates and I are going to have a dinner thing this evening. We're trying to set up the DVD player and it's not going so well at the mo 'cause we have no working batteries for the TV remote control. And we need 'em 'cause we can't an AV button on the TV.... =D

Well, I gotta go. Take care now! God bless

xoxo

the grey, rainy weather somehow speaks my mood today. this feeling is just too much; too crazy. i just don't know what to do about it.

don't know whether to carry on this smiling parade or to cry my heart out. both options are terrible. it is getting to me either way. i don't know what to choose. i don't want to choose, really. God sake!

20.09.09 post

ahh been tidying my room and packing...have my itunes on with speakers out loud...let love lead the way by spice girls was playing hours ago and i cried a bit while packing away my things, listening to the words! and now hey there delilah is playing...this song is like my first year song. so sad :( been crying bit by bit today...cried a bit while i folded my clothes in the back room as my mum sat about 6 feet away and dora 8 feet away. SIGHHHH going back to england tomorrow...............................somehow the thought of matt being there doesn't make up for what i'm gonna miss so much back home :'( i don't really wanna go back to making my own decisions about most things there. don't wanna go back to paying bills. to possible confrontations. to assignments.................gahhhhhhhh. but i guess i have to. i know i have to. :') as i lie on my bed now, typing this away - i know it's been a good summer...yes, it has been. now i've to prep myself for the world conquer! or just Cantebury conquer..hee :) gotta go back to tidying up! x x x x x x x oh oh, i can't believe i'm gonna miss Raya!!!! Happy Eid, everyone :)

i didn't publish that post on the actual date 'cause i felt like it was too much on the day before I left Brunei. heh.SIGH.

but all is good! i've *finally unpacked everything! and i have a suitcase full of the clothes i don't (or cant :P) wear anymore. my room is quite small, i have to say. smaller than the room i had in my old house. but! it's a nice house, nonetheless :) and i got a bus pass! woohoo!!!!! finally. haha. will show pictures of my room soon :)

and wireless just got activated today! ^^ blissfulness!

the flight from brunei to england wasn't that comfortable :( couldn't sleep properly! watched Management and The Truman Show on SkyShow... hehehe. arrived at heathrow earlier than scheduled but it took aaaaaages for one of my two luggage to appear.

hummm. what else.

i have a 9am lecture tomorrow :/

im gonna go now :) house meeting in a few minutes! take care. God bless! i'm in such a rush so i apologise for the messy update!

xoxo

for the lulz

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Emie Rangga!

1. The pupil of an octopus's eye is shaped like Emie Rangga.
2. The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armour raised their visors to reveal Emie Rangga!
3. All gondolas in Venice must be painted black unless they belong to Emie Rangga!
4. The first Emie Rangga was made in 1853, and had no pedals.
5. Emie Rangga has little need for water and is capable of going for months without drinking at all!
6. South Australia was the first place to allow Emie Rangga to stand for parliament.
7. The liquid inside Emie Rangga can be used as a substitute for blood plasma!
8. Emie Rangga cannot be detected by infrared cameras.
9. The International Space Station weighs about 500 tons and is the same size as Emie Rangga.
10. Over 2000 people have now climbed Emie Rangga, with roughly ten percent dying on the way down.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

hahahahahahahahahahhaha. go here if you'd like to try :)

xoxo

Look into your heart and you'll find love love love ♥

the little..wait...the BIG family gathering at my uncle's house last Saturday was really great! lots of family ties were there. the gathering was to celebrate my late Aki's life. He's been gone for 9 years now. and a video (about Aki) that I was working on for three weeks was well-received; thank God. I honestly didn't know that it would have that much of an audience to please. I felt like I needed to change few things here and there when I knew on the day that relatives, even from Sarawak would be there, too. But alas, Dora convinced me that the clip was just fine the way it was. Last minute changes were probably not a good idea. Sigh

My voiceover narration got drowned sometimes in all the noise of the large audience, which I was quite disappointed about 'cause there were very important points made about Aki's history. The awesome computer speakers that Uncle provided were belittled by the masses. But I'm glad that most of Aki's speech was heard as everyone quietened down when they heard his voice. And tears were shed. Tears are good. Lol. I wish there were more to show, but time and resources were insufficient. I apologise!

Never had a gathering like that night was held before. And I'm glad it happened. Especially that I'm here :P I wish every relative was there, but I guess that's impossible. I so much believe my grandfather's line and the line before were/are made of great people. And I also believe we will keep being great :) Like cousin Sherra (jokingly) said that night, "Maju Iban, Maju Negara!" Lol :P

Oh, and there's a new addition to the Ucu Jamau...the Selanjats got a new baby girl into their family! She's so adorable with only over 2 weeks old! I loved holding her, and looking at this small being. Her name is Vennessa Suhana. Courtesy of my cousin and her big sister, Venney Suzana. hehehe. God bless her and her family :)

Pictures on facebook! ♥

******

I've just been trying to buy train tickets for when I get back. It won't take my type of card, which is so annoying. Spent quite a long time planning the schedule with Matt, and then only to be not accepted in the end =_="

I've just about 2 weeks left in lovely Brunei! Apparently, autumn is creeping in the UK now. Lovely cloudy weather. Geeee, can't wait! :P

But of course, I can't wait. I will see my sweet boyfriend again ♥

******

I know I've got more to write but it seems I've forgotten. Meh :P Take care all. Cheer up :)

x♥x♥

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

:')

yep, so close now till England. but...I just feel quite settled now. I wish I could be here just a little bit longer. But final year at Kent Uni awaits me. My boyfriend awaits me. Then, I'll graduate with a degree in hand, and I'll be back here. although I would consider to extend my studies...that is still pending.

the next few months will be crucial. i can feel it. scared? yes. but with God by my side, I am sure I will get through it all. sigh. I just have this heavy feeling in my heart right at this moment. :/

but! it's been good to be home :) I used to cry sometimes when I was in England 'cause of all the stress and what-nots. I feel nothing of the sort since I've been here. I could cry now 'cause of happiness, though. Heh. Life is such bliss. Definitely something wonderful. :)

I feel so blessed....thank You, God.

xoxo